For many autistic individuals, wanting to socialize is not the problem. It's that no one connects them.
Yesterday I took my daughter to a birthday party at a salting —those parties that are an explosion: trampolines everywhere, kids jumping uncontrollably, music booming, parents talking about the weather… and me.
I admit it: I don't like birthdays. But this time I had to go. And there, amidst the noise, something happened that pulled me out of the vertigo: we met a new family from school, their two little ones were also autistic.
When I saw the girl with headphones, I approached her and said: “You’re wearing headphones!”. The mother tensed up. She only replied: “She needs them”. I responded: “My daughter does too. Look…”. Suddenly, she changed. We understood each other without words and saw ourselves reflected and validated.
When they entered the trampoline area, each went to one side, and they spent some time playing alone, observing the surroundings… quiet, meditative, so I decided to connect them, I took my daughter's hand and brought her to the other girl, introduced them, and asked if they wanted to play together.
The girls, shy, began to observe. At one point, one stood up and waved. And there something began.
No one saw it except for them… and us, the mothers. But it was visible. They smiled. They played together. And in that moment I thought: how hard it is for us sometimes to socialize.
Because yes: we are all social beings. But when you are on the autistic spectrum, that part of connection can be very difficult —not for lack of desire, but for lack of bridges. And today I want to talk about that.
Why socializing can be challenging in autism
Although many autistic individuals wish to connect, conventional social environments can be overwhelming or unintuitive. Recent studies indicate that differences in social cognition do not always imply a "deficit," but rathermutual mismatch between autistic and non-autistic styles. We are… not speaking the same language.
The phenomenon known asDouble Empathy Problem suggests that it is not that "autistic individuals do not understand" but rather that there is a mismatch in reciprocity: both groups interpret the world in different ways.
So, when we see autistic children who seem to "isolate themselves," like my daughter at the birthday party, it is not always that they do not want to play. Sometimes it is that the environment does not offer themthe way in which they would comfortably do so.
"Socialization is not automatic when the social mold is not made for you."
Two girls. Two ways of connecting
At the party, the two girls displayed different styles: my daughter was more active, jumping and moving around without changing zones too much; the other was more observant, with headphones, in her own space. But neither of them "fit" with the whirlwind of the place… until they saw each other.
This "until" was thanks to a moment of calm, a pressure-free approach, a subtle social bridge.
This is the key: it is not about "socializing well," it is about socializing being possible.
And as a mother autistic (yes, I am one too) I have learned that sociability can be trained, accompanied, and enabled.
Here are three bridges to build it.
Three keys to support sociability in the spectrum
1. Create the bridge before pushing for immersion
Before asking for "integration," let’s ask ourselves howwe can approach.
• Observe without judgment.
• Wait for the moment.
• Offer the simple gesture: "Hi, would you like to play with…"
Because pushing without a bridge is pushing away.
“The connection begins when the environment allows for taking a step.”
2. Adjust the environment to enable socialization
The party was a sensory chaos. Lots of noise, movement, lights, music. For many autistic children, this reduces the ability to choose to play.
A compassionate listening allows us to adjust: quiet area? a willing adult? a small step instead of a big leap?
Studies show that the lack of mutual understanding exacerbates the feeling of “not fitting in.”
3. Celebrate the “minimum step”
When I saw the girls together, it didn’t happen “big time.” It was small: a glance, a greeting, play without a burst. And that was enough. After a while, they were themselves again, running and jumping, shouting and playing. It may seem like a silly comparison, but… do you remember those operations in high school or university?, those long ones with parentheses like 6x4+3(5/2)=? Don’t put too much importance on the operation itself, I did it randomly, I just want to explain that, for me, those two girls were the parentheses, something within the operation, that is part of the operation, but at the same time has independence and you have to look at it independently for it to work.
In autistic socialization autistic, the minimum can be giant.
• “Sitting together”
• “Sharing an object”
• “Looking at another girl”
That. Is. A lot.
“Socializing is not a sprint. It’s a different rhythm than we often assume.”
To conclude…
Since that moment occurred, I think more and more about how we accompany socialization: not with grand plans, but with human gestures. Not with “you adapt,” but with “I accompany you.”
If you are tired that your daughter “does not socialize.” If you are an adult autistic and feel alone amidst the noise. If you have seen those “social spaces” that do not include you…
This article is for you. So you can see that the human link is possible, even if the world does not make it easy.
Because it’s not about fitting in. It’s about connecting. And connecting is more than playing: it’s feeling part of.
“Friendship is not the big party. Sometimes it’s simply someone who looks at you and understands without you saying anything.”
— Verònica Martín
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If you want to learn more about accompanying socialization in the autistic spectrum autistic, adapting environments, or feeling part of a tribe… we are here. Write to us, share your experience. Because no diverse body should be left without connection.
— Verònica Martín
Co-Founder of ATÍPICS.org | Director of A-Tipic Biointeriors